“Walked these boards and rode the waves…” (Photo credit: Grace Church)

[Editor’s note: This week’s post comes on the heels of losing yet another beautiful soul too soon: to the family, friends, loved ones, classmates, bandmates, and all who knew and loved Rob Kalp (HHS class of 1988) — my heart is with you in the days, weeks, and months ahead.  And to Rob Kalp — who left a legacy of love, life, laughter, and music — this post is for you!]

Week #43 – Summer Fun Challenge: “Walk the Boards and Ride the Waves!”

Greetings Happyness Tribe — and welcome to week four of our Summer Fun Challenge!

In the midst of all the parades and parties and fireworks last week…a new memorial planter quietly appeared on the boardwalk in Ocean Grove.  A joint gift from the Church Family (including my parents, siblings, sister- and brother-in-law, Jim and Renee), the planter’s inscription reads:

Robert Church, Jr.  1974-2014
Walked these boards and rode the waves.
Loved and Remembered Always

Since Rob disappeared from our boardwalk early last year (he last visited in March of 2014, just before his diagnosis) — I have been looking to the boardwalk every day to see his 6-foot-something frame, his big wave, and his confident stride.  Every night I come home and make my turn onto Ocean Ave. — only to be reminded of his absence in this beautiful place.  A place we shared as a family since childhood — and continued to share into our adulthood.

Even after I felt the rocky dirt of his freshly dug grave in my hands — this longing to see him here, in this place, has dogged me unresolved.

But when I turned that corner last week — the same corner I’ve turned hundreds of times since then — and saw his planter sitting on the boardwalk in the rain, something immediately changed.  His presence was no longer absent.  He was here.  Indeed — a boy named Rob Church lived.  He walked these boards.  He rode these waves.  And now…this square foot of Ocean Grove belongs uniquely to him.  For me…he was home.

Through all the years we visited Ocean Grove — as children, teens, adults, and friends — I never dreamed our world would come to this.  Benches and planters were for old people, maybe even pets, but not for us.  We were young, vital, alive.  And then it occurred to me…that is the point of the plaque.  Life is about what you do, where you do it, and who you do it with.  The plaques and benches along the boardwalk are filled with legacies: “…who loved Ocean Grove…”, “…who helped us all to grow…”, “whose happiness was a day at the beach…”

If you had a plaque…what would yours say?

This week’s assignment: LIVE YOUR INSCRIPTION!!!  Walk the boards!  Ride the waves!  Spend time doing YOUR favorite activity!  If someone were to write a memorial plaque about you…what would it say?  Where would they put it?  Spend time there doing that thing as if it was your last.  Imagine how you might want to be remembered…then make it a point to LIVE IT!  Do it with love…do it with laughter…and above all: do it with Happyness!

Don’t wait!  Live your legacy today!

Spread Happyness — share your thoughts in the comments!

7/10/15 by Grace Church
© Grace Church

PS: Our FUN LIST is still growing!  I’ll keep adding your ideas to the list — and pick one at random for each weekly challenge.  Keep ’em coming!!!

– “One Tank Trips”
– Surprise trip for spouse or loved one
– Kayaking
– Beach time
– BBQ’s
– Tourist for the day in nearby city
– Walking the boards
– Rock climbing
– Scuba diving
– Touring an estate
– Time with family
– Sitting on the porch
– Watching for rainbows
– Learning to surf
– Gardening
– Writing a book
– Working on a “summer” project
– Moving to a new town
– Planning a spa day (or half-day, or even lunch hour)
– Taking Fridays (or Mondays) off!
– Day at the ballpark (Minor League stadiums are great, too!)
– Outside concerts/music events
– Hot air balloon ride/festival
– Pool volleyball (a Church-family classic!)
– Take yourself or someone you love for ice cream!
– Weed your front yard garden (and talk with neighbors and folks walking by!)
– Lose yourself in wonderful music, either listening or singing
– Play in the grassy backyard
– Play with your dog (or maybe your neighbor’s dog!)
– Sing karaoke
– Explore your town, county, state…through food and drink!
– Visit a farm
– Make plans to see friends you don’t often get to see (or schedule a gathering!)
– Blind-folded Make-overs!  (Great for a rainy day!  Bonus points if you go out in public after!)

(What are we missing?  Send me your ideas and I’ll add them to the list!)

With Auntie Mary on her 100th Birthday! (photo credit: Grace Church)

Week #42 – Summer Fun Challenge: “Family Time!”

(Or…as Rob would say it…”Faaaaaamily time!”)

Greetings Happyness Tribe — and welcome to week three of our Summer Fun Challenge!

This weekend we celebrate Independence Day!  So it’s a little ironic that this week’s topic is about “family time”.  But stick with me…because it’s not what you might think!

Many of you have mentioned to me that “time with family” is on your summer fun list.  I understand!  I’m blessed with a family that I actually enjoy spending time with — so I totally get it.  But for many people, family time can be stressful or toxic or just downright harmful.  For those people, family time is not fun time.  It’s a fearful and confusing time.  And yet — there may be obligations that force some togetherness.  What then?

Here’s a few (probably overly simplistic) tips to a pretty complex problem:

First — feel free to decline.  We have a great family unit and there were many times that Rob would miss things in order to go do the things he wanted to do most.  Who knew that he would be SO right to spend each and every day doing exactly as he wished?!  Your life is short and precious…do what you need to do to make yourself happy.  You’re the only one who will have to answer for it in the end.

Second — if you absolutely have to accept an invitation, at least acknowledge to yourself that it is an obligation.  Just shedding light on the difference between something you WANT to do and something you HAVE to do can bring some relief.  We all have things we have to do — and we manage to do them anyway.  Stepping back to assess the situation may give you the space you need to protect yourself, see things objectively, or steer clear of any hot topics!

Third — set a time limit.  I’ve heard more than one story of people who have learned to set a time limit for family gatherings.  One person I follow knows that three hours is it — and sets his watch to it.  He doesn’t announce it to everyone — but he’s managed to find a window that works for him to get in, get caught up, and get out while he still loves everyone!

Finally — if you have a happy family unit, share it with someone!  😉

This week’s assignment: Enjoy your “family time!”  That means — think about the amount of time necessary for you to actually enjoy being with your family.  For some — it’s never enough.  If that’s you, count your blessings and share your happiness with others!  For others — never sounds just about right.  If so, my heart is with you.  I know this is seriously complex stuff.  Mourn your loss.  Love them from afar.  And still — share your happiness with others!  For the rest — it might just mean getting up an hour before the kids go bonkers, or stopping to work out before you get home from the job, or making sure you have that afternoon nap you really enjoy on a Saturday (even when company is over!).

Keep Summer-time Fun Time!  ENJOY yourself — and your family!

Spread Happyness — share your thoughts and ideas in the comments!  How do you make sure you enjoy “family time?”

7/3/15 by Grace Church
© Grace Church

PS: Our FUN LIST is still growing!  I’ll keep adding your ideas to the list — and pick one at random for each weekly challenge.  Keep ’em coming!!!

– “One Tank Trips”
– Surprise trip for spouse or loved one
– Kayaking
– Beach time
– BBQ’s
– Tourist for the day in nearby city
– Walking the boards
– Rock climbing
– Scuba diving
– Touring an estate
– Time with family
– Sitting on the porch
– Watching for rainbows
– Learning to surf
– Gardening
– Writing a book
– Working on a “summer” project
– Moving to a new town
– Planning a spa day (or half-day, or even lunch hour)
– Taking Fridays (or Mondays) off!
– Day at the ballpark (Minor League stadiums are great, too!)
– Outside concerts/music events
– Hot air balloon ride/festival
– Pool volleyball (a Church-family classic!)
– Take yourself or someone you love for ice cream!
– Weed your front yard garden (and talk with neighbors and folks walking by!)
– Lose yourself in wonderful music, either listening or singing
– Play in the grassy backyard
– Play with your dog (or maybe your neighbor’s dog!)
– Sing karaoke
– Explore your town, county, state…through food and drink!
– Visit a farm
– Make plans to see friends you don’t often get to see (or schedule a gathering!)
– Blind-folded Make-overs!  (Great for a rainy day!  Bonus points if you go out in public after!)

(What are we missing?  Send me your ideas and I’ll add them to the list!)

“Fun with Uncle Robbie” (Photo credit: Grace Church)

Week #41 – Summer Fun Challenge: “Ride the Rides!”

Greetings Happyness Tribe — and welcome to week two of our Summer Fun Challenge!

Graduations are complete, schools are closed, and summer vacations have officially started.  With that comes trips to the amusement park, boardwalk, or maybe even your local carnivals or fairs.  Don’t let the kids have all the fun!  Jump in and “Ride the Rides!”

My very first roller coaster ride was on the Wildcat Coaster at Betrand’s Island in NJ — with my older brother, Tony.  (And yes — we went around twice with no break!)  I have great memories of riding Roaring Rapids, the Log Flume, and even the Bobsled ride at Great Adventure with my father.  And wonderful memories of riding the Asbury Park Ferris Wheel with my mother after a long day at the beach.  But my most precious memories are with Rob — driving all over New Jersey and Pennsylvania in search of the biggest, tallest, and fastest rides within a day’s reach.  (We even took our chances as adults on something called “The Slingshot” at Action Park!)

More recently, I’ve enjoyed some great scream-therapy on Kingda Ka (and lost my keys, to boot!).  Jim and I have battled it out on bumper cars, let loose on the swings, and laughed ourselves silly on the Rock-n-Roll Express.  It’s easy to sit back and watch and remember the good times…but it’s more fun to get over yourself, get in line, and be a kid again!  The best time is right now!

This week’s assignment: Don’t let the kids have all the fun!  RIDE THE RIDES!  Little ones often want to ride the big rides — but they need an adult to go with them.  The next time you find yourself saying, “I’ll wait right here…” — take that as a cue to buy yourself a ticket, a token, or a wristband and GET IN LINE!  Bonus — waiting on line with your spouse/kid/friend/loved-one offers great conversation time.  I think of the HOURS waiting on line with Rob for our turn at any one of the dozens of roller coasters we rode together — and I wouldn’t trade them for the world!

Step right up!  There’s room for one more!  Take a chance…and “Ride the Rides!”

Spread Happyness — share your favorite memories in the comments.  (Then get out there and make some new ones!)

6/26/15 by Grace Church
© Grace Church

PS: Our FUN LIST is growing!  I’ll keep adding your ideas to the list — and pick one at random for each weekly challenge.  Keep ’em coming!!!

– “One Tank Trips”
– Surprise trip for spouse or loved one
– Kayaking
– Beach time
– BBQ’s
– Tourist for the day in nearby city
– Walking the boards
– Rock climbing
– Scuba diving
– Touring an estate
– Time with family
– Sitting on the porch
– Watching for rainbows
– Learning to surf
– Gardening
– Writing a book
– Working on a “summer” project
– Moving to a new town
– Planning a spa day (or half-day, or even lunch hour)
– Taking Fridays (or Mondays) off!
– Day at the ballpark (Minor League stadiums are great, too!)
– Outside concerts/music events
– Hot air balloon ride/festival
– Pool volleyball (a Church-family classic!)
– Take yourself or someone you love for ice cream!
– Weed your front yard garden (and talk with neighbors and folks walking by!)
– Lose yourself in wonderful music, either listening or singing
– Play in the grassy backyard
– Play with your dog (or maybe your neighbor’s dog!)
– Sing karaoke
– Explore your town, county, state…through food and drink!
– Visit a farm
– Make plans to see friends you don’t often get to see (or schedule a gathering!)

(What are we missing?  Send me your ideas and I’ll add them to the list!)

(Photo credit: Grace Church)

Week #40 – Summer Fun Challenge: “Come play with me!”

Greetings Happyness Tribe — and Welcome Summer!

Sunday, June 21st is Father’s Day — but it’s also the Summer Solstice, which places the longest and most delicious days of the year, right at our sandy feet!

Rob always made time for play.  As I mentioned last week, even as an adult, he would plan very carefully to get all his work/chores/errands done so that he could get out and play guilt-free.  And…he would often try to coax me away (and maybe you, too) from cleaning, or bill paying, jobs, or other obligations with a phrase many of us heard as kids: “Come play with me!”

Last week I challenged you to brainstorm a list of FUN things to do this summer — not just for your kids, but for YOU!  Some of you shared those lists with me…and I promised to collate them and share them with you.  Here’s what we’ve got so far — PLEASE KEEP THEM COMING!

– “One Tank Trips”
– Surprise trip for spouse or loved one
– Kayaking
– Beach time
– BBQ’s
– Tourist for the day in nearby city
– Walking the boards
– Rock climbing
– Scuba diving
– Touring an estate
– Time with family
– Sitting on the porch
– Watching for rainbows
– Learning to surf
– Gardening
– Writing a book
– Working on a “summer” project
– Moving to a new town
– Planning a spa day (or half-day, or even lunch hour)
– Taking Fridays (or Mondays) off!
– Day at the ballpark (Minor League stadiums are great, too!)
– Outside concerts/music events
– Hot air balloon ride/festival
– Pool volleyball (a Church-family classic!)

What do you think?  Do you have something to add?  Are you planning something on this list for yourself?  What are we missing?  Send me your ideas and I’ll add them to the list!

Your assignment for this week: Come play with me!!!  For the next 12 weeks — as we complete one full year of Happyness — I’ll be challenging you every Friday to a different way to have FUN this summer.  I want to build the largest and most comprehensive list of summer fun ideas from REAL people like you and me!  Please keep your ideas coming!  And in the meantime…pick something!  Get your chores done — and plan some fun this week! 

Spread Happyness — don’t keep your summer fun all to yourself!  Share your thoughts — and ideas — in the comments!

PS: And Happy Father’s Day!

6/19/15 by Grace Church
© Grace Church

(Photo credit: Grace Church)

Week #39 – “Summa-time is Funna-time!” (Are YOU having FUN yet?!)

Happy Friday, Everyone!  And happy nine-month anniversary to SpreadHappyness.com!

The weather finally turned warm this week!  School’s wrapping up, kids are graduating, and the first official day of summer is just a week or so away!

And if Rob said this to me once, he said it a thousand times: “Summa-time is Funna-time!”

Rob loved nothing more than the warm weather and a day at the beach (or the airport…or the mountains…or wherever it was he wanted to be)!  He set up his whole life to ensure that he was having fun.  And if it wasn’t fun…it didn’t get done!

This isn’t to say that he was irresponsible.  Quite the contrary!  Rob spent a lot of time putting his ducks in a row…so that he was truly free to enjoy himself.  Many mornings we’d talk or text and he’d let me know he was cleaning/shopping/running errands/etc. so that later that day he could get to the shore.  He always took care of business first…so that he could have fun later!

No doubt you, too, have lots of things to do, to see, and to get done.  Maybe you’re even planning things so that your kids/family/friends/coworkers are sure to have fun.

But have you made PLANS for YOU to have FUN?!

You might think that “planning” and “fun” don’t go together…but I think quite the opposite is true.  If we’re honest, I think the thing that holds us back the most is that FUN means risking being foolish.  And that’s hard for us adults!  Most of us have spent our lifetimes to this point getting our ducks in a row and acting like, well, adults!  But maybe now’s the time to take a risk.  Make a fool of yourself!  What have you got to lose?

This week’s assignment: LET’S PLAN SOME FUN THIS SUMMER!!!  The internet is FULL of lists and activities for adults to plan for their children…but are adults taking time to plan fun for themselves?  I think not!  So I’m calling on you, Happyness Tribe, to collectively brainstorm a list of FUN things to do this summer that bring out the kid in you!   Get your friends and family involved!  Have a brainstorming session!  Think about things you liked to do as a kid.  Things you wanted to do as an adult.  Or maybe bucket list items you want to cross off before you die!  Better yet — ask some kids how they plan to have fun this summer!  Either way — silly or serious — get your list in one place and SHARE IT in the comments!  I’ll publish a master list next week with all the ideas — and maybe YOUR idea might just be the one that helps someone else have some much needed FUN this summer!

The best way to teach your kids and others to have fun — is to have fun yourself!

SpreadHappyness — let’s see how many FUN ideas we can assemble in one spot!  Share your ideas — and let’s make sure “Summa-time is Funna-time” for everyone!

6/12/15 by Grace Church
© Grace Church

“Keep Going” (Photo credit: Grace Church)

Week #38 – “Keep Going!”

Welcome, June!

We flipped the calendar to a new month this week…and with that, I’m forced to look ahead to August.  I keep a three-month spread out in front of me at all times.  Always taking three months at a time.  13 weeks.  1 whole quarter.

As I started to fill in my August dates…I can see the anniversaries now all in one shot.  1st round of chemo.  2nd round of chemo.  3rd round.  4th round.  Rob in the ER.  Rob in the ER again.  5th treatment…nope.  That one’s scratched out.  That’s the day I took Rob to a pre-op at Sloan in New York.  The last precious and beautiful day we spent together outside a hospital.    Exactly 10 days before he died.

And here we are…another Friday the 5th.

This grief has been an extraordinary thing.  Just when you think you’re doing okay, it throws you another anniversary!  Looking at three months of reminders of where we were last year is more than overwhelming.  Some people have suggested that I not record those anniversaries…but there are others too.  The day I gave notice at my corporate job.  The day I left my corporate job.  The day our first writing deal came through.  The day we finished and sent a certain script.  These all serve to remind me that stuff happens…every day.  Some good.  Some bad.  The Universe may be indifferent…but Serendipity is alive and well, too.

At a time when things just don’t make sense…and I feel my heart growing dark and cynical, I cling to this truth: Anything can happen.

And I hear my brother’s voice urging me on…as I know he urged on many of you:

Keep Moving!  Keep Going!  Keep Playing!  Keep Flying!

Your assignment for this week: Are you feeling like you are up against a wall?  KEEP GOING!  Press forward to that one next step…and then the one after that.  Better yet…do you know someone who is stuck or struggling to move forward?  Urge them on with some encouraging words: Keep Going!  Keep Playing!  Keep Moving!  Keep Flying!

ANYTHING can happen.  The good…and the bad.  The answer: Keep Going!

Spread Happyness — Keep Going!  (And encourage others to do so, as well!)

6/5/15 by Grace Church
© Grace Church

(Photo credit: Grace Church)

Week #37 – “The Power of Love” (What’s on your summer playlist?!)

During one particular summer growing up…a newly released movie called “Back to the Future” featured a little ditty by a guy named Huey Lewis.  “The Power of Love” became a mega-hit that year…and you could hear it playing EVERYWHERE you went.

As an adult, Rob always texted me whenever he heard it.  He called it our “Great Adventure song” because during that particular summer growing up, maybe it was the first summer we ever went to Great Adventure, it seemed to be playing every single time.  (FYI — Great Adventure is what people from New Jersey used to call Six Flags!)

Now…to this day…it carries more than just the memories of a theme park.  Every time I hear it, it’s a reminder of HIM.  HIS memories…the things HE found important…and the times HE cherished.

“Summer” unofficially began this week and I’ve been feeling dark.  I miss him.  We all do.  And the start of another beach season just serves to remind me that he’s really gone.  Last year there was hope.  This year…not so much.

This week I heard The Power of Love playing in a restaurant.  It reminded me of Great Adventure at first — but then it reminded me of him and all the summers we shared together.  All the miles we drove to ride roller coasters and water slides.  Memories that are just as much alive today as they were last year…and will be forever.

A smile crept across my face.  That’s the Power of Love…indeed!

Your assignment for the week: What’s on your summer playlist?  What songs take you back to good times, fun times, happy times?  As a kid, we’d assemble all those songs individually and then record them on a “mix” tape.  (Maybe we’d even give them to someone special!)  Now your phone can do it for you!  With today’s technology we are never far away from happy memories.  Assemble yourself a playlist…and remind your body (and your brain) how it feels to have the time of your life!

Spread Happyness — roll down your windows and blast that music!

(And share your favorite summer songs in the comments!)

5/29/15 by Grace Church
© Grace Church

“Senior Rock” (photo credit: Grace Church)

Week #36 – “Remembered Always…” (Putting the Memorial back in Memorial Day!)

Almost immediately after Rob died, a covert band of brothers (and at least one soul-sister!) hijacked our high school’s “Senior Rock” — a large flat rock that overlooks the student parking lot.  For decades, it’s been the senior class’ unique privilege to paint the rock with their very own messages.  I couldn’t tell you what was on the rock before…but what was on it after Rob’s cronies were done will be forever painted on the walls of my memory in signature green, black, and silver:

#50
R. CHURCH
HHS ’92 4EVER

That was in September.  For eight months the seniors haven’t touched it.  Even after they’d lost a classmate of their own in February, they let his tribute stand.  A symbolic half-staff for those of us still remembering.

I finally got word last week that the senior class — the Class of 2015 — re-claimed their rock for themselves.  I was thrilled!  I wanted to take a moment to thank them publicly for allowing Rob’s tribute to stand as long as it did — and for allowing his name to watch over them daily as they scraped and clawed, laughed and cried, celebrated and crumbled, and otherwise rode the wave of arguably the single most memorable year of their lives…their last year of high school!

But most important — it was like raising the flag to full staff.  It reminded ME of the resilience and resolve necessary for life, liberty, and the pursuit of Happyness!

Memorial Day, for certain, is a day set aside to remember those who died serving our country.  But before it was called “Memorial Day” — it was called “Decoration Day” because it was a day when families reunited at burial locations to “decorate” the graves of their fallen.  And because many people traveled very far to get there — they would relish the opportunity to visit and reconnect with relatives, usually accompanied by a pot-luck or picnic supper nearby.

So, our modern traditions of family reunions and bar-b-queing are not really that far off — it’s the REMEMBERING that we’re sometimes missing!

Your assignment for this week: Put the MEMORIAL back in Memorial Day!  Enjoy your family, the nice weather, and the freedom you have — just remember to REMEMBER!  This may mean simply raising a flag, bringing a note or flowers to a grave of one who lost his/her life in service, or writing a name in the sand for all to see.  You could make a donation, plant a tree, or lay a wreath at the base of a statue.  Even after the day is past, the flowers fade, or the ocean wipes the shore clean — you never know how long your tribute will stick to the walls of someone else’s memory!

Thanks to all those who painted the rock — those who let it stand — and those who reclaimed it for the Class of 2015.  Your memorial is now part of my memory “4EVER”.  😉

How will you put the MEMORIAL back in Memorial Day?!

Spread Happyness — share your thoughts or ideas in the comments!

5/22/15 by Grace Church
© Grace Church

“Start with your Heart” (Photo credit: Grace Church)

Week #35: Start with Your Heart (Nine Ways to be “Truly Compassionate”)

The words “Truly Compassionate” appear in thick, black Sharpie ink on Rob’s word board.

The word “compassion” literally means “to suffer together.”  And that’s a tall order — because we all want to be helpful, right?  But we don’t want to get hurt or dirtied up in the process.

Dictionary.com defines compassion as “feeling deep sympathy or sorrow for another…with a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.”  (And wow…that is one fully loaded ellipsis if I ever saw one!)

One thing I notice though…the definition says “desire to alleviate the suffering”.  This eliminates two paths we male and female humans most often take:

1. Commiserating:  Literally, this means “being miserable together.”  Sometimes misery does love company…and a cold beer…or some ice cream…and a good movie. But let’s just be honest and call it what it is!  This might get our MINDS off the suffering…but it does nothing to fix the problem.

(Which leads me to…)

2. Fix it for them:  The definition says “desire” to alleviate…not “take action” to alleviate (or “take responsibility, either!).  Compassion requires that we feel first…and I think that’s important because our nature is to want to get our HANDS into it and fix things.  (And most of us know this can be maddening when we haven’t quite had the chance to feel and sort out our own feelings first, anyway.)

One of the ways, I believe, Rob was “truly compassionate” was he lead with his HEART.  What about you?

Your assignment for this week: Compassion may seem complicated — but here are nine synonyms that offer specific ways to cultivate compassion in your own life.  Pick one as a theme for the week or try different strategies on for size.  Either way — start with your heart!

1. Benevolence: simply…the desire to do good toward others (wish someone well, even if it’s only in your heart)
2. Empathy: identify or understand the feelings of another (help someone name a difficult feeling)
3. Grace: forgiveness (remember…it doesn’t mean forget, it just means release expectations)
4. Humanity: instead of just “people-watching”…take a step back and watch human hearts at work/play instead
5. Kindness: literally…treat others like your own
6. Mercy: goodwill or forgiveness towards an enemy or offender
7. Sorrow: share distress, grief, or sadness with another
8. Sympathy: share feelings at all (happy ones too!)
9. Tenderness: soften your heart in a difficult situation

Spread Happyness — and Start with your Heart this week!  (And remember to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments!)

PS: Happy Mother’s Day!!!

5/8/15 by Grace Church
© Grace Church