(Photo credit: Grace Church)

Week #33 – “Heavy on my mind…” (Who are you thinking of?)

Rob’s always on my mind…but he’s been heavy on my mind this past week.  The last days of April bring up a different kind of anniversary…the first x-rays, the first admittance to Sloan, the first mention of the “C” word.

As we stood in Rob’s hospital room last year this time, we were all in shock.  “This is crazy…” he said more than once in disbelief.  “How can this be?”  Who knew what the next few months would bring…where it would take us…how it would bring us together…or ultimately take him away.

One thing’s for sure…he was on my mind every single day.  And I made sure I took the time to let him know it.

There’s a lot of criticism over our dependence on digital communication these days…but I’ve seen ways that it can help people who otherwise couldn’t possibly stay so connected under intense pressure or circumstances.  A quick little text, a Facebook post, a short email, or even just a voicemail that doesn’t require a call back…these are all ways to let someone know you are thinking of them.  Just thinking of them…period.  Not expecting anything in return.

This week’s assignment: Who’s heavy on your mind?  Take time…right now…to send them these three little words: “Thinking of you.”

That’s it.

Just three little words.

Spread Happyness — and see where this takes you!  Share your thoughts or experiences in the comments!

(And PS: I’m thinking of YOU!)

5/1/15 by Grace Church
© Grace Church

Not a match to be found!  (photo credit: Grace Church)

Week #32 – “Where do all the socks go?”  (I declare Orphaned Socks Week!)

I have a confession…I had to wear the same pair of socks two days in a row this week.  And no…it wasn’t because I hadn’t done laundry.  It was because out of over two dozen individual socks…I can only find ONE matching pair!

I buy brightly colored, flourescent, argyle, printed, or polka dot socks for a reason…so that I can find them!  They stand out among the piles of black clothing in my laundry (apparently black is my favorite color)…and I can easily spot them in places they don’t belong (like the underwear drawer, the bed, the car, the refrigerator, or wherever else my socks seem to disappear!)

And yet…still more often than not…I cannot find a matching pair.  It has me recalling a question that Rob asked me jokingly in the week before he died:

“Where do all the socks go?”

Just ten days before his beautiful spirit would leave this earth…Rob was sorting laundry.  He stood in his bedroom matching socks into pairs and folding them neatly (I mean VERY neatly) to put them away.  Holding one little shorty in his hand, with not a mate to be found, he looked at me and asked in a puzzled tone: “Where do all the socks go, Grace?  Where do they go?”

Honestly…I have no idea!

But the bigger question remains…what do we do with the ones left behind?!

Your assignment for this week: I declare Orphaned Socks Week!  Flip-flop season is right around the corner…let’s give those sock orphans one last chance to be the footwear they were meant to be!  If you have orphaned socks in your drawer, I dare you to join me in wearing mismatched pairs this last week of April!  Will anyone notice?  Will anyone care?  Is there some secret to Happyness that lies just beyond the dryer door to where the socks go?!  Post your pictures, tell your stories, share your experiences!

But most of all…SpreadHappyness!  Let your mismatched socks be an introduction, a conversation piece, or a jumping-off point to the age-old question:

“Where do all the socks go?!”

4/24/15 by Grace Church
© Grace Church

“Honoring & Remembering…” (photo source: unknown)

Week #31 – “Honoring & Remembering…”  (Who can you 

A former Sunday school friend contacted me last week to let me know she had donated Easter flowers to her church to decorate the sanctuary for Easter Sunday.  She included a photo of the bulletin where Rob’s name was listed — and she wrote to me, “just my way of honoring & remembering your brother this Easter…”

It was one of the most beautiful and reassuring things I’ve received.  I hadn’t asked her to do it or made a plea or mentioned it would be nice — she just remembered him, acted on it, and shared it with me.  It brought me such comfort to know that we are not alone in our remembering…others are remembering too.

We hear the word “remember” a lot…it’s associated with significant world events, with our veterans, with parents or family members, and even with pets.

So, what’s the importance of “Remembering?”

I don’t really have an answer for this one today.  I just know that grief or trauma or loss or tragedy can leave individuals in very lonely places.  To have someone just acknowledge the gap can mean so much.  It has me thinking about ways I can do better…remembering the silent scars of others, celebrating a life, sharing a memory, or contributing to a donation or memorial.  To let someone else know that they are not alone…that I was there.  That I remember, too.

Your assignment for this week: “Honor & Remember” someone or something this week!  Make a donation, plant a tree, buy a booster for your local athletic team or drama club, leave a note, place a stone, or send a card.  Take action in the name of someone or something else…then SpreadHappyness and let someone know about it!  Let someone know they are not alone…that you were there, you saw it, experienced it, and remember it…too!

SpreadHappyness — take action “honoring and remembering” this week!  

(And tell us about it in the comments!)

4/17/15 by Grace Church
© Grace Church

“Always…” (Photo credit: Grace Church)

Week #30 – What is your “Always…” ?

As I continue to sort through all the comments, cards, texts, and emails about Rob…there are a few words that get repeated over and over again.  One of them is “Always…”

And after I think about Rob, I can’t help but wonder…what will people remember about me?

It’s easy to think about the good things people might say…but it’s harder to think about the stuff that stings a bit.  I often hear I’m “always practical”, “level-headed”, “reliable”, and “consistent.”  Well that’s great…for everyone else!  But sometimes I want to be the wild, crazy, funny free spirit instead!  😉

Rob himself used to tell me all the time, “Grace…you’re always working.”  It wasn’t a compliment.  He wanted me to come out and play!

(And it’s a stingy reality to wish now that I had!)

Perhaps the stingy reality for you might be “always stressed out” or “always angry” or “always confused”.  (Or worse…maybe “always upbeat” when you don’t always feel that way!)  Well…what do you want to be?

How do YOU want to be remembered?!

“Always _________________”

Your assignment for this week: Identify your “Always…!”  Brainstorm a list of 5-10 things people might say — or better yet, ask some trusted friends for some honest feedback!  Are you happy with these qualities?  GREAT!  Keep living and breathing them!  But if there’s something that stings a bit…look deeper.  “Always busy…” sounds proud, until it comes from your kids or a spouse.  “Always late…” might be a funny anecdote from your parents or siblings, but not from your boss.  “Always taking care of others first…” has a noble ring to it, but perhaps there’s an unspoken cost to you or your family?

If there are things you don’t like…there might be more to YOU than YOU are letting the world know!  Maybe you’ve gotten so used to the person the world is expecting you to be that you forgot who you really are!  Don’t wait for others to tell you…find NEW words that describe the person YOU want to be: maybe it’s “productive”, “balanced”, “creative”, “on-time”, or “self-reliant”!

Pick one new “Always…” and focus on developing it this week!

Spread Happyness — be the living and breathing “Always…” that you want to be!

(And tell us about it in the comments!)

4/10/15 by Grace Church
© Grace Church

(Photo credit: Grace Church)

Week #29 – “Where to now?”  (Happy Spring!)

Spring officially began on March 20th — and the 2nd Quarter began April 1st.  Twelve weeks of the new year have past — that’s one full quarter of 2015 in the books!

Where to now?

It’s a question Rob and I would ask each other on one of those long rambling drives I mentioned in last week’s post.  We’d come to a stopping point — an intersection, a convenience store, or a look at some car Rob wanted to buy — and ask: “Where to now?”

The end of the calendar year is always a natural time to look back at the year behind, and plan for the year ahead.  We hear a lot in December about goal setting, resolutions to end old habits, and promises to start new ones.  Not so much in April though!

But the change of seasons or the beginning of a fresh quarter is a good time to stop, revisit, and re-evaluate our direction.  Are your goals still relevant?  Are you on track to achieve them?  Have you had a life event that mandates a total change in direction?  Or have you achieved some of your goals and need to set new ones?

There’s a nice, even 13 weeks to round out each quarter — and a fresh perspective if you set goals from season to season.  You could think about what you’d like to accomplish by June 30th — or you might consider what you’d like to do this Spring.  There’s been much discussion recently that happiness is not tied to achievement alone — but to the experiences we have along the way.  Don’t let new seasons get lost on the express track to New Year’s Eve!

What would you like to experience or achieve this Spring 2015?

Your assignment for this week: If you have them handy, take some time to revisit your dreams/goals for 2015.  (And if you don’t have them handy, don’t worry — just start fresh with today!)  Ask yourself the tough questions above.  If your goals are still relevant, set some new mini-goals for this next quarter alone: what would you like to achieve by June 30th?  Also, think about the season ahead: what would you like to experience this Spring (before summer vacations, breaks, activities, and visitors take over your calendar)?  Finally — have you achieved some of your goals already?  WONDERFUL!!!  Take time to celebrate!

And then…set some new goals!  I’ve read some interesting material lately about the emotional slack following big or long-sought-after achievements.  Setting new goals or having new experiences on deck is essential to keeping our energy up and forward focused!  (Good advice for graduates, mid-lifers, and retirees alike!)

So…where to now?

Spread Happyness — share your dreams, goals, and celebration in the comments!!!

3/27/15 by Grace Church
© Grace Church

Me and My Shadow (photo credit: Grace Church)

Week #28 – “Take the long way home…”

Rob never missed an opportunity to take a long walk or an even longer drive.  He’d listen to music, make phone calls, or even make a few new friends along the way.  (Some of you may have been on the receiving end of that!)  I was so blessed to have shared many long drives with Rob as teenagers…and many long walks on the boardwalk as adults.  We’d talk or not talk, listen to music or share silence, figure out the future or laugh at the past.  There was nothing that a long walk or drive couldn’t fix.

Well…almost nothing.

I’ve heard several stories this week of people I know getting sick, getting derailed on their life’s journey, or dying too young.  Since losing Rob — this news strikes me differently now.  Any loss is difficult — but to have things cut short always has a nasty bite to it.  Time is so precious.  It urges us to move faster, as if somehow that will help us make the most of it…but the opposite is true, isn’t it?  It is the times we slow down and take the long way that stand out in our minds.

The photo above is one of the last long walks I took with my brother.  I remember it like it was yesterday…I stopped to take a picture of my shadow on the sand and he turned back to meet me and ham for the camera.  It was an hour of our lives together.  Maybe two.  I’m sure I could have been cleaning or writing or balancing my budget.  But I’m sure glad I didn’t!

Your assignment for this week: Take the long way home!  The weather is finally breaking in the Northeast.  We hit 60 degrees at the Jersey Shore today…and people are slowly coming out of hibernation.  Warmer air means we can slow down a bit, stop and chat, or roll the window down to say hello…but it also means things are moving faster as our schedules fill up!  If you find yourself stressed…it makes sense!  Just remember this:

“Life move’s pretty fast.  If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it!”  (Ferris Beuller)

“Once in a while…”   What “once in a while” could you make time for this week?

Spread Happyness — and share your thoughts (and ideas) in the comments!

3/27/15 by Grace Church
© Grace Church

“Let it go…” (Photo credit: Grace Church)

Week #27 – “Let the balloon go…” (What are you holding on to?)

I want to be honest with you…last week was a pretty tough week for me.  My birthday is not always my favorite day of the year — and because Rob and I were born so close together, this was the first birthday I ever celebrated without him.  It was hard to grow a year older knowing he won’t ever catch up…and all the while I heard his voice in my head saying, “Let the balloon, Grace.  Just let the balloon go…”

I spent a good many of my adult years worrying over things…real things, made up things, hypothetical things, future things, past things, never-gonna-happen things.  Dr. Suess’ book “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!” did little to prepare me for “Oh, the Things You Can Worry About!”

This drove Rob crazy.  A) Because when I was with him I was supposed to be having the best time ever (how could you not?)!  And B) Perhaps it was because his spirit was wise beyond his years and knew that time was short.

As I started to grow up and deal with my worry, I read about a technique that was good for those 2am worry sessions: you imagine the worries you are holding as helium-filled balloons.  And one-by-one you release them and visualize them floating high up into the sky.  I must’ve shared this with Rob at some point — because he knew when I was holding on to a “worry balloon.”  And he would often say to me as he watched me drift away in concern, “Let the balloon go, Grace.  Just let the balloon go.”

Do you have things you are holding on to today that you want to let go?  Anger, resentment, grief, loss, a mistake, a regret, a secret, or simply a missed opportunity you are punishing yourself over?  Or maybe it’s physical things like clutter that is standing in your way…or toxic relationships that are holding you back?

Your assignment for this week: What better time than the first days of Spring to open up space for new possibilities?!  This weekend — find a release ritual to help you “let those balloons go” and open your hands to new and exciting possibilities.  Here are some ideas:
(But whatever you do PLEASE DO NOT release real balloons into the air…they are only a metaphor!  And otherwise very bad for the environment!)

• Write it down – then burn it (safely please, I don’t want to worry!), flush it, float it out to sea, send it down a river, sink it in a lake, or bury it in your garden.  Write your NEW intention on a fresh piece of paper and keep it front and center as something for you to build on, rather than something that tears you down.
• Throw/Give it away – I’ve been decluttering my space and it’s been helpful to keep a tally of how many items I’ve thrown away, and in some instances even take photos of those items (and share them only with the closest of friends).
• Love it — enough to let it go!  Sometimes the last thing we need to do to release something is to love it, to accept it, to acknowledge its importance, and to be honest about its role in our future.

They say to love something is to set it free.  I remind myself of this over and over as I cling tightly to the memory of my brother…knowing full well I must open my hands so that they are free to do my best work: the work of Happyness!

On this — the first day of Spring — what “balloons” do you need to let go of this week so that your hands are free to do YOUR best work?

Spread Happyness — “Let those balloons go!”  And share your Release Rituals in the comments!

3/20/15 by Grace Church
© Grace Church

(Photo credit: Grace Church)

Week #26 – “There’s always…BOWLING?!”

As Rob and I got older and started palling around as adults…bowling became one of those things we could do together regardless of skill or conditions.  Raining at the beach…?  How about bowling!  Sub-zero temperatures up north?  Bowling!  Need something the entire family can do together?!  LET’S GO BOWLING!

Rob always had a second and third contingency plan up his sleeve.  If the waves weren’t good, he’d take a walk on the boards.  If it was too windy for a walk, he’d go to the airport.  If the weather was bad, he’d go to the gym.  If he’d already worked out, he’d take a long drive instead.  Rob always had an arsenal of happy places at the ready…

…what about you?

Bowling can teach us a lot about life…because none of us waits until conditions are perfect to jump in and take a turn.  We gather up anyone between the ages of 5 and 105 who can roll, push, bounce, or sling a ball down a lane and go…and just expect to have a good time!  Because (for most of us), bowling isn’t about the score…it’s about having that thing we can do, with people we enjoy, knowing we’ll have a good time.  I mean, seriously…when have you ever had a bad time bowling?!

Your assignment for this week: Start building your arsenal of “Happy Places.”  Survey your family, your kids, your coworkers, your loved ones, your parents…find out what they like to do.  And don’t forget to make your own list, too!  Then look for common denominators.  Pitch-n-Putt?  Driving Range?  Amusement Park?  Beach Day?  Sleigh Riding?  Camping?  Long walks in the woods?  Picnic in the park?  Collect all your ideas in one place…so when you’re stumped for something to do or that first choice doesn’t pan out…”there’s always (fill in the blank)!”

Years ago I got my family matching bowling shirts for Christmas.  We’ll use them again this weekend as we gather once more to spend time — not necessarily doing something we’re good at — just doing something fun together.  Rob will be missed…as always.  But his lessons…they are a new kind of happy place.  I hope they are for you, too!

Spread Happyness — share your “happy place” ideas in the comments!  (And if you’re stumped…”there’s always bowling!”)

3/13/15 by Grace Church
© Grace Church

Week #25 – “Ride the wave!” (Reflections at the six-month mark.)

Yesterday, March 5th, was the six-month anniversary of Rob’s passing.  I’m learning a lot about grief…mostly that it comes in waves.  And with each surge I’m reminded to “Ride the wave.”

“Ride the wave” became a sort of mantra during Rob’s funeral.  I had written it on the back of his car in window chalk…because it was the last thing I said to him.  He was fighting so hard.  And having no words, no answers, no nothing for this perfectly healthy and beautiful young man with everything to live for…the only thing that came to mind was a surfing analogy.

But the words are not mine.  They are wise words that came to us from an experienced screenwriter friend as we were riding the rapidly changing highs and lows of our first script going out to market.  Our friend is a surfer too, and it was a language we immediately understood: you can’t control the outcome, just the effort.  Skills, preparation, determination, focus…those were all on us.  After that, just “ride the wave” the furthest and best you can.  (Thank you, Emi!)

It became a mantra for us when facing difficulties or challenges: “just ride the wave.”

Surfing was a language that Rob understood, too — and it can teach you a lot about life.  You don’t just run out and jump in hoping for the best.  There’s a lot to learn before you get that first ride — and there’s a lot more practice after that in order to do it even moderately well.  Like most things Rob picked up, he took to it almost immediately — and enjoyed it immensely.  And his happiness became our happiness, too!  (You can ride waves of happiness, too!)

Are you — or someone you know — facing a wave right now?

Your challenge for this week: Like the waves of the ocean, we can’t always control the conditions in our lives.  You can try to go over them or under them…or get knocked down by them.  Or you can RIDE THE WAVE.  With a little practice and preparation…you can be ready to paddle in when the wave comes to you.  Perfect conditions or not…we can only control our responses.  The enjoyment and fulfillment is in the ride itself!  (And it’s helpful to remember that wipe-outs are legendary, too!)

Whatever you’re facing…you’ve got this!  Paddle in, pop up, and ride that wave!  

Spread Happyness — share your thoughts in the comments.  And RIDE THE WAVE!!!

3/6/15 by Grace Church
© Grace Church

(Photo credit: Grace Church)

[UPDATE 3/4: Due to inclement weather, Wednesday’s Candle Lighting for Greg has been moved to Sunday, March 8th at 7:00 p.m. ET.  Please join with us in lighting a candle for Greg — and to show his family just how far his light can shine!]

Week #24 – “Keep it shiny side up.” (Dedicated to Gregory Pellinger)

My hometown of Hopatcong lost another one of its own last week.  Gregory Pellinger…a “much beloved” senior at the high school…was killed in a motor vehicle accident last Thursday night.  Services were held this week…and on Wednesday, March 4th, Hopatcong will hold a candlelight vigil at 6pm to celebrate what would have been Greg’s 18th birthday.

I didn’t know Greg…but I know this:

As I’ve watched the outpouring of love and support — and of leadership — on Facebook, I’m reminded of what it meant to me and my family to have an entire town stand with us when the unthinkable, the unbearable, and the still unbelievable happened.

My brother taught me to ride a motorcycle.  Rob was a great teacher and a very careful rider: never sloppy, cocky, or reckless.  He knew full well the dangers associated with riding…and he always said to me in a somewhat serious tone whenever we’d head out: “Keep it shiny side up, Grace.”

“Keep it shiny side up.” 

As so it is with life.  There are two sides to every event.  There is the dark side, the gritty and very real underside, the side where the rubber meets the road.  But there is a shiny side, too.  The upside.  The majestic and beautiful side.

The leadership I’ve witnessed this week by students, alumni, teachers, friends, and family of Hopatcong has been the shiny side of this event.  While Greg’s family mourns…many move in to help.  While his friends struggle to understand…others show strength.  While a town comes to its knees in grief…a community carries it through.

I know this to be true myself.  And I know full well what it might mean to Greg’s family in the months (and probably years) ahead.

“Keep it shiny side up” acknowledges the darkness…but insists on the light.

Your assignment this week: When faced with a situation or event that seems negative, bleak, or dire — make a conscious effort to find the shiny side, as well.  Is there an opportunity for strength, for a challenge, for organization, for leadership, for a fresh idea, or for something only you can uniquely offer?  Be part of the solution…and “keep it shiny side up.”

And here’s a bonus challenge: On Wednesday, March 4th at 6pm ET — please join with Hopatcong and light a candle in Greg’s honor.  Share a photo to Greg’s memory page…and let’s let Greg’s family know how far his love, his light, and his happiness can spread!  [Update 3/4: due to inclement weather this candle lighting will now take place on Sunday, March 8th at 7:00p ET.]

Is a bad situation calling YOU to shine your brightest this week?

Spread Happyness — and share your thoughts in the comments!

(And rest in peace young man…knowing you are loved.)

2/27/15 by Grace Church
© Grace Church